Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
