Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
