peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
