my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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