Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize