Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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