there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I can't turn off my feet"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
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