please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
