Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
