My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
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