Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
