I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
