apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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