he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
