the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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