Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
