I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
