Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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