we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
