pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
