yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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