If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
