I'll bet she douches with gravy.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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