i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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