I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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