The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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