Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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