i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
