dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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