I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
