Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
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