I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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