So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
That was an excessively violent trivia night
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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