I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
