i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
