I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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