he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
