I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
