how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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