Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize