She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
