Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
