Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
