Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
