Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
