guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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