considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Someone signed my nipple.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize