And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
