remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
