Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
