No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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