Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
