the condom got lost in my hair
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
