OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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