do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize