Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
