I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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